Money and Prayer

I had a nightmare last night about my parents. I dreamed (I wish “nightmared” was a verb sometimes) that my dad lost his job, and that my mom called me up crying about it. If you know my mom, you know that is very out of character.

The state of this country is scary right now. Even though I am optimistic after last night’s election, the truth is that, no matter how radically we change this country and its policies, it is going to take a long time for us to recover. With a house, and other emerging financial issues, Max and I are scared. We have some credit card debt, which is on a 0% interest card, and we are slowly paying it off. However, we just had to invest a lot of money into the house. I’m not talking about aesthetic changes here; I’m talking about fixing leaks, keeping the house warm enough to live in, and things of that nature. We are suffering with old, dirty, orange shag carpet because Max says it is protecting the floor and possibly keeping the stairs together. Could we charge it? Sure, but frankly, we’re afraid to, and maybe we should be. We also have Max’s student loans, and once I graduate, mine.

But we’re doing okay. I mean, we’re not rich. We haven’t eaten out since we became homeowners and we’ve been eating pasta and ramen noodles quite a lot, but we’re okay. Others, however, are not so lucky.

My father works for a company whose main concentration is construction. Needless to say, they haven’t been doing so well lately. They actually took back everyone’s Blackberry to save money (my dad is a mid-level manager). I don’t think he is in danger of losing his job, as he is immensely valuable to the company, but as this point, you just don’t know. Plus, if the company closes down, it won’t matter how valuable he is.

My mom works too, as a teacher. It was a late life career choice; I think she started teaching in her late 30s/early 40s. Neither of them makes a lot of money. And, for whatever reason, they do not have enough to retire any time soon. Part of it is due to the economy, but part of it is that they paid for my college education as well as the education of my two siblings. They gave us so much, and still did until this year. Now, suddenly, they can’t afford to any more. Now suddenly, they are struggling and scared. My siblings and I give them some money every month, which they hate taking but need in order to have ends meet. They feel guilty, listless, and miserable. And they don’t deserve it.

I do all I can, as do my siblings, to alleviate their burden. But not one of us is doing so well that we can afford to shower them with money, or pay off their mortgage. They probably wouldn’t accept it anyway.

So I feel helpless, and stuck. I want to help, but I can’t do much. They need help, but they can’t accept it without feeling like failures. They are the type of parents I have always hope to emulate; they gave everything for their children, but they let us make our own mistakes and choose our own way without any reproach, even when they didn’t agree. Since I am the oldest child, I feel like the burden lands especially on me.

So here’s my dirty little secret in all this: when I feel completely helpless, like I did this morning after my dream, I do something that I do not believe in; I pray. I don’t know to who or what I pray to, but I close my eyes and murmur over and over “Please let them be okay. Please let me think of some way to help them. Please protect them.” I usually say I pray to my grandparents (I’ve always loved the idea of ancestors hanging out watching their descendants and trying to help them), but I’m not sure that’s true. Maybe it’s not a prayer to anyone, just a wish spoken fervently out loud. Maybe I just don’t have the language to identify what it truly is.

When I’m faced with a situation in which I feel helpless to face, I don’t turn to God; however, I do, however, turn to something outside myself. I can only do so much. That’s something that has taken me years to learn, and I still fight against it every day. I don’t believe I just have to get it started, and then a benevolent spirit will do the rest of the work for me. I do, however, wish with all of my heart for some luck.

In the end, it doesn’t matter if I pray, grovel, hope, plead, or wish—the responsibility is still mine. I know there will likely be no miracle. But there is always hope, intelligence, and determination, and this is what I am relying on to get me through this. My parents supported me my whole life. Not to be there for them when they need me is not an option.

Sorry

Apologies for my lack of updates. I just experienced a life-changing event, which I will post about after Thanksgiving. I am terrified, but am working through it. I promise a nice long post soon!